god and the devil are raging inside me

it's a war
sometimes I am not sure which side I am on
things I hate
mistakes I make
I continue to do
there is so much hatred I have for myself

I wish I was a plant
able to truly disregard what I don't need
memories
thoughts
actions
let them die
something that is no longer apart of me

God loves me
God knows I am made of clay
that sometimes I am molded the wrong way
my shape is not perfect
it's simply how it was intended to be

repetition

At some point repetition becomes tiresome. The lights dim, but somehow they become something else. Soaking into your skin, night seems like day, days last for seconds and nights become years. One would think that night would offer relief, but my mind won't stop running. It's the only time I feel I really think about anything. It's destructive. The legs of my brain begin to tear apart. They're running to hard, this kind of dying isn't an art. It crushes my spirit and destroys my dreams. Buddha taught that one should be attached to nothing, but what if something attaches to you? Thoughts of times now past play like a projection, reels spinning, playing all the moments where I am not winning. My faults become tears that I cannot dispense. thoughts repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat. Sometimes I think that I was better off a wreck, dirty streets, careless drinking, worthless drugs, and living by my instinct. We choose our mistakes and, oh god we try to forget, but at some point they just repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

so destoryed

I call
you sigh
it has been over five days past
I reach and you pull away
I know were all selfish, but I am not trying to hurt you
we all say love
but what does that matter

do you love?
can you tell me you love me with any emotion
lips are lies
they caress me
they push me aside
conversations spread over nothing more than a computer line
when communications are so indirect
life dies

please tell me you love me
tell me by pushing me aside
tell me by making up lies
tell me by failing to call
tell me by your complete absence
tell me something I don't know
or tell me your lies are just as shallow

talk is so fucking cheap
cheaper than the clothes I wear from time to time
actions define
words simply rhyme
they create meaning for seconds and then vanish
if your actions could talk
maybe love would walk
straight from you and right to me